The Weight of the World….

… it all came crashing down on Sunday for me. Let me first say I have dealt with anxiety for most of my life. I always feel off or not right. I have been taken to the hospital more then once by ambulance and all for panic attacks. It is not fun and its rather embarrassing. All this to say that since I’m so used to dealing with it daily, that when big things hit my body takes over and it’s almost comfortable among the chaos.  I seem fine but when it’s over the world comes crashing down and that’s exactly what happened Sunday, over the littlest thing.

Waves at coast of the Black sea 2

I lead music for the little kids 2 Sundays a month and so Saturday I needed to learn the songs. I looked at the app on my phone and started learning them. They were all new songs and there was a lot of moves to learn. So I finally had them down. I got up on time and we got to church early.  I went through the songs again and then about 5 minutes before the kids came in I went to the computer the make sure it was all set. None of the songs were the ones I had practiced and then it dawned on me. I pulled out my phone and looked at the app again. Sure enough I had learned all the upper elementary songs. Luckily, someone had left the print outs of the moves of the songs I should have learned.  I confessed to my mistake to the adults and did the best I could. I felt so stupid and frazzled. On the way out, one of the sweetest teachers, a 86 year old women, stopped me and said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, you did great!” And that my friends did it. Tears began to well up on my eyes. I texted my husband and told him I was going to sit in the lobby but I just couldn’t concentrate. Within minutes I told him I was going home. (We drove separate because I was suppose to stay for a class.) I cried the whole way home and laid on the couch until he got home.

Now I don’t think it was just this event. This was just the icing on the cake for me. Leading up to this had been misplaced items and forgetting other things. I hate missing things and I skipped my class at church and didn’t even email to tell them I wouldn’t be there, which is so unlike me. We ended up eating lunch and then had to pack to go to the visitation and funeral for Adam’s grandpa. All in all it went well and we got home around 5:00PM. I did my grocery shopping in peace (AKA no kids) and we met at Panera for dinner. When I got home I noticed the stove burner on and realized that I had cooked eggs on Sunday morning. It was now Monday night and the burner had been on the ENTIRE time we were gone. THANK. God. the house didn’t burn down.

I know you are wondering where I’m going with all this, I’m not even sure. So many people had been asking what we need and have been helpful.  It’s been great. I guess just know that if someone is having a rough time, it is going to last a while. I’m not going to bounce back quickly from all of this and Christmas is next week followed by New Years and then a trip for my husband. I feel sometimes like I can’t even see straight there is so much happening. I know I need to give myself grace and just be still and know that He is God!

I write to help myself process all that is going on and maybe I will have some awesome words so share with you in a few months regarding all this. Right now, know that it’s hard. And if you or someone you know is going through something similar know you are not alone and I can completely sympathize with you.


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