Death Affects More than Adults

I know you are probably thinking… well duh! But really I thought that since they were kids they wouldn’t really get it and would bounce back quickly.

After the miscarriage, the kids would ask me if I was happy again and I would say no. I only had exactly two weeks from the time I found out the baby had died until my mom died so we aren’t talking a lot of time. My youngest, Kayla, 3, would ask when I would be happy again and I would say I wasn’t sure. She would say things like, “Mommy, if I give you my baby will you be happy?” Super sweet but also shocking because I felt like she got it more then I realized. My kids LOVE babies. I have three girls ages 8, 6, and 3. They can be baby obsessed. They were also at the doctor with me when I found out. Well, they reacted and not quite how I thought. Maya started getting up every night in the middle of the night. Kayla started wetting the bed. Maya also asked if she could see the baby but we thought that was a little too much for her to handle. The other day she did find out we hadn’t buried the baby yet and that it was in the freezer. She was curious as to why and asked if she could hold it. We explained that we hadn’t had time and plus we hadn’t made a decision so that was the best place to keep it.

Then my mom passed away and we finally set up a sleeping bag in our room on the floor because we were both so tired. Maya kept waking us up every night or she would just pace outside the door. When I would open the door and ask her what was wrong, she would just begin sobbing and say, “I’m so sorry I woke you up!” We never yelled at her but she just had it in her mind that we were upset. On the morning of the funeral for my mom, my husband finally got Maya to talk and she said that she missed Grandma Szmurlo. She cried and we held her and cried. Since the visitation for my mom was scheduled form 4-9PM, we decided to allow the kids to stay with Adam’s parent who would then drive them out to the funeral the next day. On the way to his parent’s house Maya said she had to go to the bathroom. His parents only live 30 minutes away. We stopped at a Casey’s and I ran in with her and she sat down and then started vomiting! At first I thought it was the stomach bug. Later after we got her bathed and to his parents, she ended up being fine. We think she had just gotten herself so worked up about everything.

When Adam’s grandpa died, Maya had several breakdowns of “I miss Grandma Szmurlo.” The last time she had seen her was early July for my mom’s birthday. We usually went up there 2-4 times a year. Maya kept saying “She was so much fun,” or “She always had fun stuff for us to do.” When we went to visit my mom would get them coloring books or craft kits because she didn’t really have a kid friendly home.

I talked to my counselor about what am I suppose to do about all this and she said what we were doing is fine. I suppose it will take time for all of us. Kids add a whole new dimension. When my dad died 9 years ago it was just Adam and I. I was 9 weeks pregnant with Hannah and no one knew. We just took time to sleep and do whatever we wanted. This time has been very different with kids in the mix to talk and explain to. I don’t really have any answers. I can only say that we always try to be as honest and real with our kids as possibly. We also try to point them back to Christ without giving them any false hope or made up stories about what happened. Maybe this does or doesn’t help you but just sharing my experience in hopes it may help someone.

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