Today was the day….

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Today is Adam’s 35th birthday and it also the day that we were due with our fourth child. You have thoughts like: What would the baby look like? Would it be a girl or a boy? What would the baby’s temperament be? Would I have delivered on time? Would I have another C-section? All questions we will never know or have the answers to.

Since Sunday, Mother’s Day, there has just been a blah cloud over me. I’ve had increased panic attacks and the only thing I can think of causing it is the memories of loss.  My mom is gone and it was Mother’s Day and now the baby’s due date a couple days later. We keep going with our regular schedule and it’s not like I can’t function, I just don’t feel like myself. I’ve always been a person that just pushes through the difficult times and the sadness and I really don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to just sit around and cry but I don’t really feel like doing anything or answering questions like what’s for lunch or can I have….

I guess I was hoping by blogging I would be able to work out some of what I’m feeling but I can’t. I simply feel sad. I’m trying not to focus on my plans, my wants, and my needs but rather on what God is going to teach us through this and how is he going to use it. I’m also learning to have grace with myself in these moments. I never give myself a break or a chance to just stop. I’ve always put one foot in front of the other and just kept going. We still have plans today but I’m trying to just accept how I feel today and not be ashamed or feel stupid for the way I feel.  I’m trying to slow down and allow myself to have a bad day.

The thought of getting pregnant again terrifies me. I often wonder if I could handle it and if I could hand the worry over to God. I wonder if I already have enough on my plate given what we have taken on and what we have planned. I often wonder if the plan that I am following is the plan that God has in store for us or if we are selfishly convincing ourselves it is.

I wish I had some profound things to share with you or a story about how I was just able to work through all of it but I don’t. I’m sad and I’m just going to try to get through the day and I think with each passing mile stone things will get easier. There will be days that suck and there will be other days that are great but overall the trend should be upward.

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Jessica

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