Hit me like a ton of bricks


So today Maya had a birthday party and we dropped her off and then walked around Leclaire and then had lunch. Once we picked her up from the party it was time to head to the Chicago suburbs for a surprise party for my sister in law’s 40th birthday. We had a fine drive and even arrived a little early. We stopped and walked around Cabelas and then headed over to Pinstripes. The kids were excited because we were going to have pizza, go bowling, and play bocce ball. We enter the large establishment and immediately see my sister in law’s sister who directs us to the area where we will be. The next person I see is my aunt, the only remaining of the three sisters (my aunt Sophia died 3 years ago of cancer and then my mom at Thanksgiving) and suddenly I am struck like a ton of bricks and the tears begin to flow. It is the first time our family has been together since my mom’s death and usually I see my mom at events like this and she is not there.

My aunt looks a lot like my mom and she wears the same perfume. I can’t keep it together and my aunt whisks me away to the bathroom. We chat briefly and then return to the activities. It’s all just so odd and still so surreal. We had a nice time. The kids bowled and played with the other kids. They ate and had cake and we reconnected with extended family. I’m writing this on my phone as we have our long drive home. I admit this loss has been harder than my dads and I’m not sure why. Is it that she is my mom? Or that both my parents are gone? Or just that I don’t have the distraction of being pregnant like I did with my dad’s death? I’m really not sure but…. It. Sucks. 

I guess your mom is that person that no matter what happens she is still your mom. She loves and cares for you deeply and expresses it the best she can. As we reconnected with my cousin who has two kids in college she started talking about my dad and how they visited him before he died and how proud he was of all of us kids. She said he talked about us and had nothing but good things to say and she really felt like she needed to tell me that. We also exchanged contact information because she said she kept in contact with my mom. This is all so hard and unexpected. I wish there was a manual for how to deal with things like this. 

We drive home with a heavy heart but yet hope that we can all stick together despite the glue that once held us all together being gone. Just pray we would make one another a priority and reach out. That we would have grace with one another and be okay with the fact that we don’t all see eye to eye on everything. Pray for mending broken relationships, broken hearts and broken people.

Jessica

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